


Moving on to Bluer Pastures

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Break Up, M/M, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 22:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2244864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dirk/Jake</p><p>A fute calul in pizda (Romanian): literally "to fuck a horse in the c*nt" but meant to encounter a large problem"</p><p>HSWC Bonus Round 2 fill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving on to Bluer Pastures

"So, a sex toy is cheating now, is it?" Dirk kept his tone calm and even, pointed shades hiding the eyeroll behind them, but Jake knew it had transpired. He'd heard the sound of sex from the hallway and stormed in with metaphorical guns blazing, but was mostly just confused when met with the sight of Dirk seemingly humping the couch.

Upon closer investigation, it wasn't the couch so much as the object stuck between the cushions, which Jake was now clutching by the handle, waving it to punctuate sentences, in Dirk's direction. It looked a lot like a flashlight, except where the glass and the bulb should be there was a weird rubbery blue area with an odd opening that was clearly meant to be some kind of vagina. "It is when the last time we had sex was over two months ago, Dirk! Two months! Fucking hellfire, Dirk, how long has this even been going on? What the hell is this anyway?"

"It's a fleshlight. A sex toy."

"Yes, Dirk, I know. I gathered that much. But what is this?"

Dirk paused at the question and looked at it. He knew what his boyfriend meant, and honestly, it was a question he didn't really want to answer. So, a lie seemed suitable. Sometimes lying was better, and this was probably one of those times, really. "What do you think? It's some blue alien girl. I got it for you, but got too curious. It's probably the Star Wars one." Dirk crossed his arms over his chest. It was a mix between challenging and defensive. More defensive, given Jake's reaction.

"The Star Wars one. What, a Twi-lek?"

"Yes."

"This is not what a Twi'lek's reproductive organ looks like, Dirk."

"They must have got it wrong then."

And then Jake saw it. On the handle. A sticker. A cloud with a tri-colored lightning bolt coming out the bottom. He went slackjawed, and Dirk went pale.

"This is a pony thing, isn't it, Dirk? This is a pony vagina. Whatever Dash."

It was, the question was rhetorical. Dirk hadn't gotten Jake to watch much of Friendship is Magic, but it was enough to know the main characters. Dirk had originally gotten the toy as a joke. He saw it on Bad Dragon. Mary the Anthro Mare, in Dashingly Blue, and, well, he had the extra income, so why not. And it sat on a shelf and Dirk thought it was funny, but then after a while, it became less funny and more intriguing, and it was made for a specific purpose, so...

"Okay, whatever, yes, it's a pony toy. Toy, keyword being toy, who cares?"

Jake cared. Jake clearly cared very much, and he threw the sex toy toward the bed, choosing instead to point with his finger. "Two months, Dirk! Not once. Not once have we fooled around! Hell's bells, Dirk, here you are with a fucking cartoon horse vagina with your willing boyfriend in the next goddamn room! Jumping fucking... fuck you!"

Dirk scowled. "Well, maybe if you were good at it."

"What?" Jake was caught off-guard, and his wide eyes showed it. They looked ready to pop out of his face. "Excuse me?"

"Maybe if I enjoyed it, I would want to do it more. That's what I said. Do you always, always have to top? And maybe do something besides just hop on and hump away? What about me, Jake? Did you not have any sex ed books on your stupid island?"

"I... we... you know what?" Jake headed for the door. "Do you know what? Be glad you have your toy, you miserable asshole, because that's... that is all you're getting!"

"That's all I want, really."

"We're through." Jake tensed up as soon as the words left his mouth, shocked to hear himself say them, but he soon frowned. "Through."

The word hit Dirk like a truck, but, whatever, maybe it was for the better. "Fine."

"You could have talked to me about it, you fucking goon." And then Jake was gone, door slammed hard enough to unstick a poster from the wall.

And Dirk was alone. Alone with his accursed Rainbow Dash sex toy.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even sorry.


End file.
